Falmouth, Jamaica — Trump University scientists announced today that they have finally reduced the rich, complex culture of Jamaica into a successful commercial vehicle.
“We proudly announce today that we have overcome the challenges associated with Jamaica’s history of colonial conquest, slavery, indentured servitude, murder, and drug use in our quest to wring profit from this beautiful island.
“Young white children can have Jamaican women put their hair in dreadlocks for a fee. We have Rastafarian hats with simulated dreadlocks that fit children as young as 5. Tourists can purchase small wooden objects crafted into a myriad of inappropriate shapes. Bars resound with exaggerated “yeah mon!”, selling drinks until the sun comes up. We had originally thought that we were at least a decade away from full commercialization, but on a recent trip we made a startling discovery. While walking through the Port of Falmouth, a tourist haven for cruise lines such as Carnival and Royal Caribbean, we encountered one 3 year old wearing a T-shirt bearing Bob Marley smoking a joint and a 2 year old wearing a onesie with a marijuana plant on it.”
“Once the less savory, even taboo, portions of a culture make it onto clothing for children of that age, we know that culture has been fully commercialized. Using the patented TrumpCast Market Domination Equation, we calculate that profitability for the Jamaican culture is in the neighborhood of 50 trillion dollars, barring any unforeseen exploitable cultural developments.”