Grandmother’s Assessment of Candidates: “Well, Bless Their Hearts”

"They're about as useful as buttons on a dishrag"

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College Station, TX — Jason Tatum’s Grandmother offered her considered opinion of the 2016 Presidential candidates by beginning her comments with “Well, bless their hearts.”

Anyone who has grown up in the South knows that this statement is a prelude to a negative comment.  And Edna, a 90 year old great-grandmother of 29, used the comment to typical Southern deadly effect.

“Bless their hearts, but for both of ’em, the porch light’s on, but no one’s home!  You know what I mean?  I mean, if either of ’em had dynamite for brains, neither of them could so much as blow their nose.”

Uncle John quickly agreed, adding further colorful embellishment,  “They don’t know shit from shinola.  They could throw themselves to the ground and miss.  Why, if either of ’em lived in Texas, they could move to Oklahoma and raise the IQ of both states!  I mean, both of ’em are dumber than a bag full of hammers.  Listening to them talk, you’d think that they are both as confused as a cow on astroturf.”

“Now John, you watch your mouth.  Lord knows that with Trump we’ll be puttin’ lipstick on a pig, but that ol’ Hillary’s so crooked she could hide behind a corkscrew!  I don’t recollect ever having to decide between a snake in the grass and one that could make a preacher cuss.  Now you know I don’t trust either of ’em farther than I can throw ’em, but we got to vote for one of ’em.”

The debate about the suitability of the candidates raged on like this for a solid 45 minutes, with Southern colloquialisms flying like .22’s trying to hit a rodent.

In the end, Grandma urged everyone to “pray for the Lord’s guidance, as we all will need it.  Especially those candidates, whose brains rattle around like a BB in a boxcar.”

 

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