Austin, TX — Rod Templestein, an executive at Floosbin, recently selected a suitable supplier to outsource the parenting of his only son, Jayce.
Templestein called a meeting at his home to give his 3 year old the news.
“We’ve come a long way over the last 3 years. In that time, you have learned to walk, learned to talk. You know basic animal sounds and colors. I couldn’t be more proud of how far you’ve developed or what you have contributed to this house.”
“However, nothing in life is meant to stay the same, Jayce. In order to maintain the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed, I must continually evaluate how we operate to ensure we are organized to provide a high level of developmental support for all members of the home. And, like all other American families, I am challenged with providing this support in the most efficient and cost-effective way.”
“With these goals in mind, I have been looking for opportunities to optimize our home structure. As a result of this evaluation, I will be making some changes with regards to how we are organized.”
“Effective immediately, the majority of my parental responsibilities will be handled by Kimberly, your ridiculously hot nanny who I found on craigslist. Her role will cover all day to day activities as well as weekends I find inconvenient. Kimberly will report directly to me and dotted line report to your Mother. I will continue to oversee preschool selection as well as any nighttime school-sponsored programs in which you participate, depending upon my work schedule. I will also provide overall guidance in your selection of one to two sports, though Kimberly will handle all transportation to practices.”
“This decision was not made lightly. It was the outcome of several minutes of thought given my level of economic freedom and my need for self-actualization as an adult male. While I am deeply satisfied to have procreated and maintained my family name through a male heir, I cannot afford to neglect myself or my career.”
“Kimberly brings a wealth of experience to her new role. She previously was a child up until her 18th birthday, 3 years ago. Recently, she took 9 hours at Austin Community College, focusing on diverse topics such as English, American History and Algebra. She also has an ass that simply will not quit. Please join me in supporting Kimberly in her new role.”
Jayce simply looked at his father and literally shit his pants, at which point Templestein called Kimberly over to oversee her first action item.