CFO Names Capybara New CIO

"All you're going to do is hire some weasel who's going to do whatever you tell him to anyway, what's so hard about this?"

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Austin, TX — George Ramos, CFO to AcceleCorp, today name Sue the Capybara to be the next CIO of the company.

“We talked to every Yes-man and cost-cutter out there.  All of them felt entitled to large base salaries, stock options and hefty bonuses just for meeting cost reduction targets I was setting anyway.  It was an off-hand comment from the Chairman of the Board that allowed us to ‘think differently’ about this post.  Barry said ‘all you’re going to do is hire some weasel who’s going to do whatever you tell him to anyway, what’s so hard about this?’.  It was that comment that led us to think bigger.  ‘Why stop at a weasel’, we asked ourselves.  ‘Why not go all the way and hire the largest rodent in the world?’.”

“Of course, Barry was right.  We don’t want someone to come in here trying to make a mark.  We certainly don’t want someone who thinks we need ‘world-class IT’, whatever that is.  All we want is someone to continue to cut costs and do our bidding without question.  Sue fits that description to a tee.”

In a press release, Ramos says, “After an exhaustive search of high-priced CIO’s and VP’s from other companies, I am pleased to announce to our shareholders that we have found a much more economical choice to lead our IT organization to the next level of cost savings.  Sue sets the tone for efficiency just through her salary, which consists of grass in the courtyard and the occasional fruit snack.  The entire executive team asks our IT organization to take note of just how cost effective Sue already is, saving us hundreds of thousands of dollars per year in normal CIO salary and benefits.  At AcceleCorp, we take diversity very seriously.  Not only have we hired the first Capybara in the industry, but the first female Capybara.”

However, not all are pleased with the announcement.  Bob Jenkins, VP of Email Servers Beginning with ‘E, S and O’, expressed concern reporting to an actual rodent.  “It’s humiliating.  I’ve worked at this company for 15 years and in my time I have made Email Servers Beginning with E, S and O the absolute best in the industry.  Way better than my peer Robert Haskins, who is VP of Email Servers Beginning with ‘B, C and P’.  His uptime stinks.  I’m ready to run this organization and take us to the next level.  I plan to look closely at Cloud before declaring it too immature for our sophisticated use cases.  Everyone else is dismissing it out of hand, but I’m willing to go the extra mile and have a charade of an evaluation period!”.

Of the 8 VP’s of Email Servers, 6 went on record as opposing the new CIO.  22 of the 25 VP of SAP SubFunction’s also opposed the appointment, all citing their vast experience in cost optimization and leadership.  The 7 VP’s of LDAP Enablement and 18 VP’s of the Active Directory Forestry Service all declined to comment on the record.

At press time, Sue had just sent an email to the entire IT organization announcing a sweeping reorganization plan with extensive outsourcing and offshoring in order to realize synergies and align the company’s cost structure with competitors.  Employees connected to email servers beginning with B, C and P have yet to receive the email.

 

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The Head Brewmaster believes passionately that a free press must be a sarcastic press. In order for democracy to survive, we must weed out dolts by providing them silly, fake news to post seriously on Facebook. Only after unmasking people we otherwise thought were sane can we truly begin to ignore their little opinions.