Nation Ready For Facebook To Return To Cat Memes And Granny Spam

I crave the warm embrace of the banal!

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Akron, OH — As the 2016 Presidential Election comes to a close, millions of Americans share a readiness for their Facebook feeds to return to mindless, banal chatter.

“Everyone says that we need real dialogue in this country.  That there are big issues which require us as Americans to discuss.  But after the last 18 months of political posts jamming my Facebook feed, I have come to one inescapable conclusion — fuck that shit.  I don’t want to hear about how Trump is some savior who will make America great again.  I don’t want to hear about how Hilary is the only one who can run this country.  All of my friends, on the left and the right, are a bunch of political asshats.  Especially Eric.  I had no idea what a douchebag he really was on the inside, but his continual and increasingly strident posts have pushed me to the edge of unfriending him.  But I can’t, because he’s my cousin’s husband.  I swear I can’t take another post.  Bring back the cat memes!  Bring back the blatant granny spam meant as nothing but clickbait!  I will happily post a kind ‘sorry, but this isn’t real’ link to snopes.com!  I crave the warm embrace of the banal!”, said Jared Buckley, an account executive.

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Janice Greene echoed similar sentiments.  “I’ve had enough of having my worldview challenged by people I thought were my friends.  I just want them to go back to posting pictures of their kids or their dogs or their vacations.  Hell, I’d even be happy with people posting motivational sayings showing how they are working out, despite the fact that all they serve to do is remind me that I am once again missing the workout I promised I’d do on January 1.  But for the love of all that is holy, get this election over and let my Facebook feed get back to normal!”.

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“I sure hope that by the next election, the smart people at Facebook come up with some way of filtering this stuff.  Some of the things people said were offensive and some of them even made me think about what I believe.  As an American, it’s my right not to have people challenge my belief system.  It’s just basic free speech!  Facebook, we’re counting on you for 2018.”

 

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