Latest Ransomware Attack Emails Browser History

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San Francisco, CA — Researchers have discovered a new ransomware variant they have dubbed “OMG” which emails your browser history unless you pay a ransom.

“The OMG malware attaches to your browser via ‘normal’ browsing.  Once you click a link, the virus immediately roots itself into your system, finds your contact list and determines who your spouse is.  If it can’t, it then threatens to emails everyone in your contact list every last, lurid detail of your browser visits and search terms unless you pay them $600 in Bitcoin”.

“While Wannacry and Petya have wreaked havoc in corporate environments, OMG presents an entirely new kind of threat.  Several researches on the team who discovered this new variant are now having some very intense conversations with their spouses, for instance.”

Like others before it, OMG utilizes techniques employed by the NSA.  “The OMG ransomware uses sophisticated methods such as putting a link on a web page that says “click me for money” or “see Jennifer Lawrence naked!”.  Against this type of technology, there is no real defense.

Legal Reaction

The American Association of Divorce Attorneys released a statement shortly after researchers disclosed the malware attack:

“Under no circumstances should you pay the ransom if the OMG malware infects your computer.  Ransomeware scammers never release their hold on your data.  Instead, use the money that they demand and immediately put an attorney on retainer.  You’re probably going to need to anyway, so might as well save money spent on the internet scammers.”

Government Response

Attorney General Jeff Sessions hastily called a press conference to denounce the latest internet-based attack.  “Now see here, I say see here.  We have reason to believe, and this comes from some of our best cyber people, that these browser histories are made up.  Fake news, if you will.  There is no way to tell if the email that comes to you with this information is real or not,” he said looking quickly around the room.

At present, the Bitcoin wallet associated with the account is up to $100 million.

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