Austin, TX — Today the nation’s men rallied at malls across the country to demand better seating while their significant others held them hostage for shopping.
Dave Brobart bemoaned, “Have you ever been in a Victoria’s Secret while your wife is trying on something? There is no place to sit, so all you can do is wander around the store, looking like a perv. I mean, I’m happy for the purchase usually, but shouldn’t there be some kind of box for husbands to sit in while their wives shop there?”
Other random men at the mall echoed Brobart’s sentiments. “It’s bad enough that we have to be here anyway. Now that I think about it, why are we here? I don’t know about you, but I’m following her from store to store, my only apparent use to simply nod my head that what she’s looking at is great and to whip out my credit card when she’s ready to check out. And Lord knows she has a credit card in her purse. Speaking of which, why the hell is it my job to hold that thing while she scampers off? I look ridiculous standing around holding a lady’s purse.”
One man waxed philosophical on his fate, leaning uncomfortably against a wall. “They made us go through counseling at the church before the ceremony. I wonder what would have happened if they had shown me a video of myself standing here every Christmas time, bored and uncomfortable with a purse in my hand. This is the kind of shit they need to show people before they get married. This is what you’re really in for.”
Experts estimate that there is one mall chair for every 4,230 men in a mall setting. Dr. Archibald Thomas, of the Lower Back Institute of America had this to say on the situation: “We have a crisis in mall seating in this country. European men enjoy one mall chair per every 160 men per mall — much higher due to the government subsidization of mall seating. The extra pressure put onto the backs of American men contributes to them not being able to get to their “honey-do” list items such as fixing the back door, mowing the lawn or even a complete make-over of the upstairs bathroom. Ladies, we need your voices to combat this serious problem. Mall operators listen to female voices disproportionately! Tell your mall operators today that your men need a place to sit!”
Men, rise up so that you can sit down!