Austin, TX — Citing the abysmal quality of this year’s Presidential candidates, seven states so far have approved bars as presidential polling locations for this November’s elections. State Senator Roberto Simpson elaborated, saying “We’ve heard from our constituents loud and clear. They want to have ready access to legal mind-numbing substances immediately before, during, and after they vote for President this year. I for one will be at Capital Bar and Grill, and let me say right now that as soon as I step foot in there, anything I say will be off the record.”
Voters in each of the seven states, including Arkansas, California, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Nevada, New York and Texas have widely praised the measure. “This is the best decision to come out of government, like ever,” claimed Texas resident Joe Ridden. “These are the most godawful candidates ever. Is this really the best that America has to offer? I can tell you now that on November 9, I plan to be hung over enough that I won’t care which one of these jokers is elected. If everything goes to plan, I won’t even remember how I voted. Letting me get it over with in a bar really makes it super convenient.”
Public Safety Cited
Senator Simpson emphasized the public safety aspect of the new measure. “We all know that people are going to get pretty hammered on election day this year. Why have them drive from the bar to the polling place and then right back to the bar? Lives will be saved by this measure. Of course, every American life will be ruined because of this election, but we can at least put it off for another day.”
Early polling indicates strong support between both Clinton and Trump voters for the measure, with 89% of both sides indicating they will absolutely be at a bar for this election. An unnamed source in the Trump campaign itself offered this, “There are many issues in this election. I for one am glad that the issue of sobriety in the voting booth will not be one of them. Geez, these candidates are bad.”
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