Recycling Day Pinpoints Neighborhood Alcoholics

Dell acquisition blamed


Round Rock, TX — Every other Monday the recycling trucks arrive, announcing loudly to anyone within earshot which homes house the biggest alcoholics.  The distinctive clamor and clanking of various bottle types — wine, beer, spirits and various brown liquors — sound a cacophony of libation litter.  Local busybody Kristen Nesbit recounts her version of the history:

the first time I heard it, i laughed a little, thinking how EMBARRASSED they must be to have their “dirty laundry” aired so PUBLICLY.  But it just kept happening, week after week.

Ms. Nesbit continued, saying “Most of these people have children.  What kind of example are they setting for their children?  They need to consider the fact that their children play with my children and they are undermining the good example I’m setting.”

However, other sources in the neighborhood report that there’s nothing wrong with a bottle or two at the end of a hard day’s work.  Most residents, asking to remain anonymous, indicated that they did not give a shit what Ms. Nesbit thinks of their lifestyle, adding that she could do with a good stiff one.

Many locals work for Dell Technologies, which is currently in the process of absorbing its latest acquisition, EMC storage.  The stress associated with such mergers and acquisitions has certainly led to an uptick in Round Rock liquor sales, according to local Spec’s Wine’s, Spirits and Finer Foods manager Greg Shaily.

“This acquisition has driven my sales through the roof.  These Dell execs must be riding their people bareback.  You can easily pick them out, coming in every two or three days.  They all have their Dell badge on and they have this kind of limping gait to how they walk.  I’d feel sorry for them if I wasn’t so close to hitting my quarterly sales goal one month into the quarter.  I’m going to get a nice, fat bonus out of this.”