Cedar Park, TX — Bob Zelnick, CIO of Infinibiz, proudly announced via email to the entire company today that the IT Department has selected eBay as its strategic supplier for laptops.
“We’ve heard from many of you that you need new laptops. At the same time, we continue to see budget pressure for new equipment. With this new strategic alliance, we truly have a win-win situation for the company. Fiscal responsibility that our shareholders demand and new-to-you laptops. I’d like to thank the project team for their countless hours of meetings, discussions and circular reasoning which led us to this ground-breaking decision.”
“We are confident that the ‘new’ hardware we’ll be getting from eBay will be more than up to the challenge of not only your day to day needs, but the security software required in modern business. Disk encryption, antivirus, end-point protection and system monitoring will run seamlessly in the background. We know, because we’ve tested on the latest Ivy Bridge-based laptops from Dell, so by extension it should work on anything.”
In a follow up email, Ted Chernow, CFO and Zelnick’s boss, congratulated the IT team on their ability to deliver against financial goals. “Bob’s team continues to pull the rabbit out of the hat. Every time I think we’ve wrung as much cost out of IT as we possibly could, his team finds new and creative ways to save while maintaining the service levels to which you have become accustomed. I will continue to squeeze them until they fail spectacularly, at which point Bob will probably ‘voluntarily’ decide to leave to pursue other opportunities to spend more time with his family.”
Many at Infinibiz expressed hope at the new direction. “Honestly, this thing has been re-imaged twice this week. At this point, I’ll take anything. Just please let me get some work done. Please.”
Another employee had this to say, “Our company must be run by people who love limbo dancing. The bar is so low that the goal simply has to be to go under it because there’d be no challenge in trying to go above it.”
No one on the IT staff would comment on the record. Many were simply in their office, curled up in a fetal position.
Executives will continue to work as normal on their personally-owned MacBooks, receiving “unofficial”, expedited, support from the IT staff.