Hanes Enters IoT Market With ConcieveWear

"We're putting chips next to your bits!"


Winston-Salem, NC — Hanes, the clothing manufacturer known for their affordable undergarments, is entering the IoT (Internet of Things) market with their temperature monitoring underwear.  The new undergarments are marketed at those actively seeking to conceive children.

“We’re excited to announce the latest advance in both comfort and technology.  With ConcieveWear, couples can now monitor personal temperature and know exactly when they are at the optimal reproductive temperature.  The way it works is simple.  Once you connect the garment to your computer or smart phone via bluetooth, ConcieveWear begins monitoring your temperature.  You can even pair both partners’ garments to each other via bluetooth. This way, if both of you are in range of the bluetooth signal and both of you are at the optimum conception temperature, each of you will receive haptic feedback in the form of a slight vibration in the garment.  We refer to this step as ‘priming the pump’.”

Couples who have tested the new underwear report excitement waiting for the haptic feedback function.  “I just keep waiting for that thing to go off.  It’s a little unnatural, but boy I tell you what, when it does, it sure does get your attention!” said Lyle James, beta tester for Hanes.

His wife, Lydia, confirmed, saying “I pretty much do whatever an electronic device tells me, so this is really convenient.”

Unintended Consequences

However, not all feedback has been positive.

One reported side effect in males involves spontaneous erections if their cell phone vibrates in their pockets.  “Damn Pavlovian responses!  Now I can’t get a call with my phone on vibrate without getting a boner.  It’s like I’m in seventh grade again and I’ve been asked to go do a problem on the board,” bemoaned would-be father Dennis Rand.

Others report the garments “going off” in the middle of the night, compelling them to take all of the romance out of the act of conception.

Security experts urge caution, as little security has been put into the devices.  “The most common thing we’ve run into is men hacking their wives’ underwear to go off on demand.  The second most common scenario we’ve seen is men hacking into their co-workers’ underwear and making it go off in meetings.  You really need to be careful wearing this stuff until we get better security protocols in place.  The potential for embarrassment, sudden changes of clothes or even electric shock are greater than anyone wants to admit.”

Depending on the success of this product, Hanes says it has more technology offerings in the pipeline.