Scientists Estimate Egyptians Took 2.5 Billion Visits to Home Depot for Pyramid Construction


Cairo, Egypt — Archeologists now estimate that the ancient Egyptians visited Home Depot 2.5 billion times in order to create such architectural marvels as the Great Pyramid of Giza, the Sphinx and several other monuments.

“Every time I thought we were done, Ahmose or Menes would come to me to say ‘it looks like we forgot a 3/4″ brace’, or ‘we bought the 1/2″ slip chase and we really need 9mm’, so off it would be again.”

Despite the best efforts of the Egyptian architects, it seemed impossible to correctly estimate each of the parts required to build this stupid fucking pyramid for his royal fucking highness, Khufu the motherfucking awesome or some shit like that. God I hate him.”.

Khufu, Pharaoh and King of Upper and Lower Egypt, the Morning Star and the Evening Star, is quoted as saying “All that I know is that these morons keep jacking up my Home Depot line of credit. I walk in to get a door knob to fix my bathroom and ask to put it on store credit and they keep saying ‘I’m sorry, sir, but your line of credit has been maxed out. Just yesterday you purchased 5,000 80 ton stone blocks.’ And then I have to say look, I’m the motherfucking PHARAOH. Extend my credit by another 10,000 talents! It’s like they don’t know who they’re talking to. I should put the whole staff on the crew to build my pyramid. No, I take that back. They are very helpful when I need to know how to fix the plumbing in my bathroom. Frankly, I’d be lost without them, so I will spare them.”