London, England — The UK solidified its “Special Relationship” with the US in a historically loony vote on Thursday to exit the European Union.
Cameron: “I’ll right the ship”
David Cameron announced at a press conference at 10 Downing Street that while he was wacky enough to call for this vote, “You’ll need someone truly off their trolley to lead us into the next era of British Lunacy. I will stay on as an international punching bag until October, when whatever poor bastard wants the job can have it.”
Many see Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, as a favorite to succeed Cameron, in yet another potential relationship strengthener if Donald Trump assumes the Presidency. Any summit between those two would likely coincide with an international hair stylist convention.
Donald Trump, presumptive Republican nominee for US President, arrived in Scotland to help coalesce the powers of Lunacy in a bid to tip the scale in favor of Exit. “I’m telling you, this is a great victory for the people of Great Britain. You need to take control of your borders, just like we do in the US. Those brownies need to stick to their own countries. Now don’t boo, it’s true. No one wants to say it, but I will! You people need to focus on, and I mean this, and really focus on, doing what you need to do to make Britain Great again! I tell people all the time, you know, they say it’s ‘Great Britain’, but these days it really feels just like Britain. But this vote will really do it to make it Great all over again, just like in the days of King Arthur.”
Trump then gave the characteristic American “thumbs up” sign, which means roughly the same thing in the UK as giving someone the middle finger does in the US. Trump spokesmen were quick to praise him for his consistency in message, even internationally. “He is disciplined and he is staying on message. It doesn’t matter if he’s in the US or the UK, the message is the same. This finger is for you, and he doesn’t mind showing it to you.”
Markets reacted poorly to the news, with the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropping 520 points, while the S&P 500 lost 2.6% and the Nasdaq dropped 3.6%. The British Pound plummeted to $1.33, dragging the Euro down with it. Investors moved to safety, with gold jumping 4%.
“Truly, the British people have embraced the American spirit of total, absolute political chaos, and our markets now reflect it. I could not be more proud of the spirit of international cooperation and unity. I am humbled,” said Cameron.