Conspiracy Theorists Gearing Up for Busy Campaign Season

"Normally we have to work to uncover things, but these two just keep throwing things at us. It's frankly exhausting."

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Boerne, TX — Conspiracy theorists are gearing up for what promises to be a busy campaign season.  With mounting controversies, the tight-knit community is working overtime to keep up with the sheer volume of lunacy being thrown at them.

“You have no idea how busy these candidates are keeping us this year.  We’ve had to bring on four new full-time staff just to keep up with the rumors, innuendo and shady practices employed by both candidates,” said Titus Jones, influential conspiracy theorist and owner of a local gun store.

“Our conventions are over-booked.  Do you know how many times I’m going back and forth between Boerne and Roswell?”

“Honestly, this year’s candidates are hard to keep up with.  Normally we have to work to uncover things, but these two just keep throwing things at us.  It’s frankly exhausting.”

Donald TrumpThis year has been an absolute gold mine for conspiracy theorists.  The unlikely run of Donald Trump has turned the traditional conspiracy on its head, as an outsider now is leading a major political party into a Presidential election.  However, the theorists are up to the challenge, finding minor “facts” posted online and weaving them into a complex tapestry of deception, intrigue and murder to explain the unlikely outcome.  Ultimately, they posit, the Establishment wins, despite the fact that most establishment Republicans have either refused to endorse Trump or will clearly be holding their noses at the ballot box in November.  “This kind of non-traditional conspiracy has really challenged us.  Finding the thread has been especially difficult this year, but we found it.  Oh yes, we found it.”

Hillary ClintonOn the other hand, the rise of Hillary Rodham Clinton to be the Democratic standard-bearer has followed traditional conspiracy lines, as well as affording theorists the opportunity to dust off some old classics.  Whitewater, Vince Foster and Ron Brown are front-page items to them once again.  Many conspiracists refer to these as “comfort conspiracies” due to their familiarity.  Hillary Clinton’s recent infamies, including Benghazi and the email scandal, are adding color and depth to the existing controversies.  Recent reports of collusion with the DNC to ensure her nomination despite the strong showing of Sen. Bernie Sanders merely adds fuel to the fire.  Many in the community compare to the addition of these new items to the second Star Wars trilogy, as merely “furthering the legend.”

“One thing’s for sure.  When this is done, either way we’re going to have someone planted by the Illuminati in the Presidency.  Again.”

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