Washington, DC — Congress is consulting with Comcast on how to improve its dismal public approval rating by the American public.
“Comcast is a true American success story. Their ‘pull themselves up by the bootstraps’ mentality got them from startup to the number one media enterprise in the United States. And their approval numbers are absolutely staggering. We have a lot we can learn from Comcast,” said Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House.
In the latest Congressional Approval Poll by Gallup, Congress has but a 16% approval rating. While not its lowest ever, it is still a miserable number. In contrast, Comcast scored a whopping 54% approval rating in the latest ACSI data available.
Ryan continued, “We just figured, ‘hey, these guys are always hanging around Congress wanting to talk to us, so why not pick their brains while they’re here on how we can get awesome approval numbers like what they have’.”
Comcast was more than happy to provide services to the Congress. Lobbyist Al Johnson commented, “Congress has a lot to learn about public relations. Congress doesn’t seem to understand the kind of power they wield. The closest legislative body to the US Congress is a “Parliament” in Canada, for crying out loud! So step 1 for these guys is to understand the legislative competitive landscape.”
“Next, with our new understanding of markets, we then look to revenue streams. Congress can change the tax rate whenever they want. There’s been a serious budget deficit issue for decades. Congress can quickly fix that by simply raising taxes. And in their case, if people don’t pay, they go to jail! We only wish we had that kind of clout. These guys just don’t know how good they have it.”
“Finally, the Congressional phone system is completely outdated. Calls from the public can actually make their way to a Congressman’s office. Nothing good can come of this. That’s why we have signed Congress up to the Comcast Labyrinth Telepresence System. There’s no way a call can get through that thing to anyone who matters. If someone does happen to penetrate the automation, the call gets routed to India, where a whole new level of Hell awaits them. This frees up the Congress to focus on important matters such as telecommunications deregulation.”
“We at Comcast are happy to help the Congress pull their approval ratings level up to the same standard that we enjoy. It’s our patriotic duty, and we are more than happy to spend the extra time with our friends on the Hill.”