Brooklyn, NY — Hillary Clinton today announced that she has retained the services of the Geek Squad to secure her campaign and DNC email servers.
“In light of the recent difficulties Democrats, including myself, have had with securing email servers, I am proud to announce that today I went to Best Buy and retained the services of the Geek Squad. These dedicated IT professionals are not only up to the task, but they are affordable and on-call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the event we come under attack from hackers.”
“Many prominent donors gave me names of reputable companies to help. However, most of the companies recommended would have off-shored the work to save costs. I told them that there was a better way — an American way — that we could achieve our goals. That’s when I went to Best Buy for a portable BluRay player and a fix to the Democratic email security problem.”
Geek Squad On The Job
So far, the Geek Squad has worked tirelessly on the problem. Dave Dyson, Lead Geek on the project, detailed their plan of attack. “Well, first of all, their Exchange server didn’t even have Norton AntiVirus on it. We got that on pretty quick. After turning that on, we started getting a lot of complaints about the server being slow, so we then defragmented the hard drive. Do you know how long it takes to defrag a network drive that’s 700 gigabytes in size? Lots of complaints about the slowdown on that one, but after 3 weeks of solid defrag, it finally came back up. Unfortunately, even after that we were still getting lots of complaints about slowness. That’s when we hit them with our speciality. We now have a script set up that reboots the Exchange server every 30 minutes. Works like a charm.”
Controversy
The Trump campaign was quick to pounce on the announcement. “Hillary chose just the worst IT people ever to do this. They’re awful, just awful. They would be so much better off using Apple Geniuses like we do on our campaign. I mean, they’re just the greatest. When I can’t figure out how to get back to my home screen, they know how to do it every time. We use them for lots of IT things around here, and I bet they’ve got our email servers covered too.”
Clinton staffers were quick to dismiss the criticism as “Trump propaganda”. Melanie Saline, IT Manager for the campaign, told the Brewblog, “Mrs. Clinton’s choice of the Geek Squad was a well-reasoned choice, providing valuable work to American workers. Everyone knows that Apple sources heavily from China, and Hillary wanted to keep the work at home. We stand by the Secretary’s decision, and ask that you direct all future email inquiries to our AOL account.”