Nicolas Cage To Hurl Trump’s Phone Into Volcano To Save Democracy

"The fact is, the only way to save Democracy is to steal it. Or something like that."

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Washington, DC — Nicolas Cage, sitting in counsel with his wisest friend, Gary Busey, determined this week that in order to save democracy, they must hurl Donald Trump’s phone into a volcano.

“Trump uses his phone to spread a stream of tweets which threaten the very fabric of American Democracy.  If he should become President, through that phone he would become more powerful than we can possibly imagine,” said Busey, smoking a pipe by the fire.  “Unlike other public figures,” he continued, “Trump has but One Phone.  Nic, someone must destroy the One Phone.”

Cage’s eyes broadened with comprehension.  “The fact is, the only way to save Democracy is to steal it.  Or something like that.  I’ll steal the phone using history and science.  Then, I’ll take it and throw it into the closest volcano to DC — Mount St. Helens.”

Busey nodded his head in approval, and then added, “We should first get the advice of the head of my order, Mel Gibson.”

The three sat at Gibson’s compound, smiling toothy, vacant smiles at each other.  After hearing the plan, Mel nodded his approval.  He added, “Now that he’s the Nominee, he’s surrounded at all times by 9 Black Suits.  They once were men, but now government training and exposure to bureaucracy have stripped them of will for their own survival.  Plus, The Donald is in with the Jews.  Stealing the One Phone and casting it into the fires of Mount St. Helens will be no easy task.”

“We can use clues from his tweets to find out where he’s going to be!”, Cage exclaimed.  Picking up his phone, Cage then went to the last few from Trump.  “Heading to Philly tomorrow, see you there.”  “Hmm,” Cage wondered, “He could be talking about cream cheese.  In 1875, Norton J. Crumbickle started a cream cheese factory in the lower Ohio Valley!  Trump, and the One Phone, will be in Ohio tomorrow!”

Astounded at the profundity of Cage’s discernment, the Three then jumped into their vehicles, ready to begin their quest.  Gibson in his Ferrari, Busey in his ’83 Berlinetta and Cage in his ’79 Pinto.  Throughout the journey, Cage cited misremembered facts about American history, bearing no relation to Trump’s true itinerary.  Eventually, Busey discovered that Trump’s website listed exactly where he would be for the next three days.

After arriving at the closest rally and seeing the security detail, the Three did quietly end their quest by heading to the nearest bar and going on a bender far more epic than their previous endeavor.  They regaled anyone unfortunate enough to pay attention to them with half truths and outright lies.  Later, they took the story line and pitched it to movie execs, who quickly praised them for their ingenuity and just as quickly threw the pitch in the garbage after they left.

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