Washington, DC — President Obama has ordered all flags at half mast for Election Day and the rest of his term of office.
“Now that my term is winding down, I can finally be a little more honest. What a shitshow of an election we’ve had this year, am I right? This Election Day is at least as bad a day for our country as any number of tragedies we’ve endured over the last few years. And this is just the beginning. We’re going to have four years with one of these clowns in charge,” he said, swigging from an open bottle of Maker’s Mark.
“Michelle told us ‘when they go low, we go high’, and I couldn’t agree more. And that is why we’re buying a second home in Colorado. Because either way this election turns out, I’m going to need to be high a lot for at least the next four years. And if The Donald is elected, I think we’re going to put in a nuclear bunker as well, just in case.”
“Let’s face it, Donald is a psychopath and Hillary is a sociopath. Donald is of course a classic demagogue on top of that. And one of these two is going to be in charge in just a couple of months! Crazy.”, he said, taking a longer drink from his bottle.
“America, you have spoken. You selected these two candidates in what felt like the longest primary season ever. You had every opportunity to vote for someone else. My fellow Americans, we have met the enemy, and he is us.”
“To commemorate this monumental lack of judgement, I hereby order all flags at half mast for Election Day and for every day for the rest of my term as your President.”
Obama then got up and stumbled away, cursing under his breath. While most was unintelligible, he distinctly said “It’s my House. If you don’t like it, you can get the fuck out!”.