Washington, DC — The NOAA has issued a Tornado Watch for the state of Texas for the entire fall due to an increase in Oklahoma sucking.
Tom Redding, Director of the Southwest Region for the National Weather Service, held a press conference detailing the increased risk. “Everyone has known for years that Oklahoma sucking causes increased wind speed in Texas, but this year’s suck is more intense than usual.”
“Several factors contribute to the increased suck this fall. Bob Stoops’ retirement put OU fans in a heightened sense of awareness of their team’s prospects. The hiring of Lincoln Riley combined with his jaw-dropping salary caused fan expectations to jump through the ceiling, creating an expectation high pressure system centering around Norman. However, this high pressure system will collide on opening day with a nasty cold front that is the talent level of the current roster. This huge disparity between expectations and reality will form a vortex of suck which will repeatedly strike the Great State of Texas this fall.”
“The weekend of September 9 presents huge risk of Oklahoma sucking, as they face off against the might of The Ohio State University. Our models show that the wind in North Texas could potentially blow your eyebrows off, as the Sooners really suck it up on the field. However, the danger of high winds does not die down with the end of the game, as several computer models predict players and staff independently drowning their sorrows that evening, leading to citations and even arrests for intoxication.”
“Other periods of vortextual instability will occur when the Sooners face off against the Oklahoma State Cowboys and the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs. During these weekends, the suck of Oklahoma could cause wind tunnel effects in Dallas and Fort Worth, with the possibility of ideal kite flying weather as far south as Waco.”
“The risk of high wind situations peaks in late October when the ridiculously named Sooners travel to the Great State Fair of Texas in Dallas to play the dominating Texas Longhorns. The NOAA recommends anyone wearing crimson to take shelter at the Cotton Bowl. We predict gale force winds as Texas rains touchdown after touchdown on top of the hopelessly outmatched Sooner defense. However, the worst chance of OU sucking comes when the OU defense is on the sidelines and the Longhorn defense pummels their offense with pick sixes, fumbles and quarterback sacks. As the Horns systematically rip apart their opponent, that high pressure system over Norman will collapse in a manner of hours. We have advised the tower at DFW airport to divert traffic during the Red River Rivalry to prevent loss of life on top of the loss of pride that OU fans will experience.”
“In short, Texans beware. Oklahoma sucks, and this year the suck will be worse.”
Redding concluded the conference by saying “Thank you all for attending this important conference regarding meteorological instability in Texas this fall. This concludes the conference. It is now 2:20, and OU still sucks.”