New York, NY — Trump University scientists have discovered a new fundamental financial particle.
“Everyone is very familiar with the Fundamental Financial Particles: Cashium, Creditium, Interestium, and Valuinium. But thanks to the multi-year, multi-million dollar investment we have made in the world’s first Financial Particle Super Collider, we’ve been able to break these particles down to their constituent components. Understanding the underlying nature of financial particles could lead to life-saving treatments for 401(k)’s, mutual funds and hedge fund investment. The work we are doing here is cutting edge. No where else but Trump University will you find scientists of this caliber doing this kind of work.” said Dr. Donald Lipsky, Distinguished Professor and holder of the Donald J. Trump Finance endowed chair.
The group is publishing their findings in the prestigious pamphlet Trump Discoveries, a well-known and respected pamphlet focusing primarily on discoveries made at Trump University.
“One of the great privileges that comes with discovering such a particle is the ability to name it. After long and careful consideration, we have decided to name this amazing discovery Trumpinium, the Financial God Particle.
“This new fundamental particle is literally the glue which holds all of the other particles together. An understanding of this particle could finally lead, in a very real sense, to the ability to turn base stocks into gold. With enough research, we believe it is possible to turn junk bonds into AAA rated investment vehicles. And while Stock Manipulation is a prime area of research here at Trump University, we are also very much concerned with Real Estate Market Manipulation as well. Evidence suggests that Trumpinium could remove restrictive covenants that run with the land, allowing for new and exciting property development in otherwise protected areas.”
Not all Financial Scientists believe that the discovery of this particle will really benefit mankind. Some have expressed concern that continued use of the first ever Financial Super Collider could lead to a complete destabilization of financial markets. “The splitting of fundamental financial particles could cause a massive implosion, leading to massive Black Fridays or Black Mondays or Black any other non-banking holiday weekday you can imagine. The gravity of the meltdown could cause inverted yield curves (which we have already begun to see) and anomalies such as dividend yields outstripping equity returns for prolonged periods of time. Trump University scientists are playing with powerful forces of finance, which we already know are largely immune to the forces of gravity and logic. Further ripping apart the glue holding these fickle particles together could be disastrous. It might even cause socialism..” said Dr. Rolf Carmichael.
Trump University Scientists were quick to dismiss these claims as “more doomsday nonsense.” They went on to stress that “You can trust us and The Donald to treat this fundamental financial particle with all the respect we can muster.”